My only aspiration in life is to be as fearless as any character played by Liam Neeson.

15

September

#Liam Neeson

An Actual Blog Post

Today, I read an essay by Lauren Morelli, a writer for Orange is the New Black, and decided I should use my Tumblr for what I intended to use it for all those years ago when I created it. 

As I am sure most of the people of Tumblr know, Lauren Morelli is dating Samira Wiley, who plays Poussey on the show. If you didn’t know that, I’m glad you heard it from me. Morelli says she got the job writing for OITNB five months after her wedding - to a man. She says writing for the show, being around that environment, forced her to think about her own sexuality and why she was so uncomfortable when they were filming girl-on-girl scenes - which we know comprises approximately 90% of that show we love so much. (Possible exaggeration. Sorry not sorry.) 

As I am reading this essay, I realize why I have been feeling so weird lately. Twice now, I have gone home with this frat boy who I intended to hook up with - because apparently, what are you even doing in college if you don’t hook up with boys? But halfway through our shenanigans on my bed/that one couch, I realize, I can’t do this. It’s just not me. I don’t “hook up,” especially not with randoms. So I backed out. Both times. I told him both times I didn’t expect him to want to stay with me any longer - but he’s a respectable guy and he backed off, and we went to sleep. I felt awful. 

But yesterday I realized, I shouldn’t feel awful for sticking to my guns. And that’s the lesson to be learned from that. 

Anyway, I told you that to tell you this. When I was reading Lauren Morelli’s essay, which you can find here, I realized I was having my annual mid-teenage-years crisis. I have one about once a year - wherein I wonder why I can’t get with anyone and why I can’t find someone who appreciates the way I like to live my life. I was sitting at the Subway on campus reading this essay, in the middle of a group of people. Morelli wrote: 

"I realized I was gay in fall 2012, one of my first days on the set. It wasn’t so much one thing, but the sum of many small details: how uncomfortable I felt around groups of lesbians or how I considered myself (shrug) a “not very sexual person.” When considered alone, these seemed like little quirks that made me me. Wanting to read a book instead of have sex is a perfectly reasonable preference to have, right?"

It was here that I teared up. That last sentence. That. Statement. I stopped reading and I realized Morelli and I just may in fact be the same exact person. When I lost my virginity at 17, and I lost my cool halfway through and told my then-boyfriend, “I don’t want to finish,” I thought, “maybe I’m just not ready for this.” When I was with one of my best guy friends in my parents’ basement two and a half years ago and I left him in the middle of a hot and heavy make out sesh, I went up to my room, locked the door and thought, “what the hell is wrong with me?” The first time I semi-not-really hooked up with the frat guy, I remember laying awake in the dark while he slept, thinking, “I’m just not a sexual person. I just don’t work that way.” Same exact words, I shit you not. I thought the same thing the second time, too. But honestly, it’s not always been that way. 

In the last few weeks since that first night with frat boy, I thought a lot about it. I thought, am I asexual? Not likely, because I still enjoyed that one time with that girl, and oh, do I enjoy that little purple vibrator hiding in my room. So, not asexual. Bisexual with a preference for girls? Maybe. Lesbian? Also a possibility. I currently identify as bisexual. I currently am having an existential crisis over whether or not I could be gay. I am currently living my life day to day worrying about myself and my mental health over this little crisis that I am sure will not end soon. 

This blog post started out trying to be a way to sort out my thoughts, but it’s only served to make me more confused. In the end, I just want to thank Lauren Morelli for sharing her experience of realization and for her bravery in writing the essay posted on Mic. 

It would seem that I have a lot of thinking to do now.

falstafff:

i don’t understand why people don’t instantly respond to “what would your dream superpower be” with the ability to manipulate probability.
think about it. what’s the chance someone will drop 1mil in front of me? 0%? let’s make that 100%. what’s the probability i’ll wake up tomorrow and be X gender? 100%. what’s the probability my bathtub is filled with mac and cheese? 100%.

15

September

253,946 notes

This text was reblogged from tikistitch and originally by falstafff.

Me trying to be with people just causes a huge identity crisis and I have no idea who I am anymore.

15

September

#fuck this #college

eulalie-rose:

Ladies, unless you are a sorority girl and/or have loose morals, don’t become hopelessly infatuated with a frat boy. And, most importantly, if you do, do not get drunk around him. 
It will only lead to the ruining of your feelings. And quite possibly your heart if you let it go too far. 

eulalie-rose:

Ladies, unless you are a sorority girl and/or have loose morals, don’t become hopelessly infatuated with a frat boy. And, most importantly, if you do, do not get drunk around him. 

It will only lead to the ruining of your feelings. And quite possibly your heart if you let it go too far. 

14

September

6 notes

This photo was reblogged from eulalie-rose and originally by eulalie-rose.

#poetry #poem

The tumblr app keeps crashing.

Tumblr, get your shit together.

14

September

#fuck

Everything on my left side hurts and I have no idea why

So tequila.

14

September

1 note

#ow

donkos:

reading a foreign language: yeah
writing in a foreign language: ok
listening to a foreign language: wait
speaking in a foreign language: fuck

(Source: donkos)

13

September

240,874 notes

This text was reblogged from ohmykazmiller and originally by donkos.

grrrlfever:

wouldnt it be cool to just like not feel nervous about everything all the time

(Source: lesbolution)

13

September

682,734 notes

This text was reblogged from madetochasethestorm and originally by lesbolution.

i-effed-it-all-up:

no, i don’t watch that show, but i do follow its developments extensively via tumblr

13

September

85,408 notes

This text was reblogged from queers-4-fears and originally by i-effed-it-all-up.